Act of Keeping
by JapFreaky
Summary: Shut up, Kamui tells the voice over and over again. But it doesn't.


**Hello! Merry Christmas! This is originally a fic exchange I did with Sei-chan-1999 but I'm posting this as a sort of Christmas present? (also for my inactivity in the writing compartment this year... -.-)**

**Anyway, I'm actually a hardcore SeiSub fan but I decided to try SubKam. I tried really hard. I kinda wrote this in the middle of my exams (and screwed up my math exam the day after, but not like you can do anything about math the day before the exam right?) in which the second half is written through my phone and that is tedious as heck. Bless google drive though. Well, I still have some unsatisfied parts but overall as my first attempt as seriously writing a SubKam fic... yay. Okay, enough of that.**

**_WARNING:_ SMUT. Check that word out in the dictionary if you don't know what I mean. I put this as M rated for a reason. And yaoi! Please click on the home button if you can't take it, thank you.**

* * *

><p>"Subaru!"<p>

"_There's no use. You'll know when the time comes."_

"Shut up!" He shouted angrily. He could feel Arashi's confused glance as they leapt from building to building. Kamui kept his eyes strictly in front. Arashi didn't question. It was probably a good thing she didn't. He would probably lash out on her if she did.

All he could think about was a bridge, the stupid Sakurazukamori and Subaru.

Oh god, Subaru.

_Subaru._

_Subaru!_

* * *

><p>The door creaked open and Kamui froze. He hadn't intended to open it. He was only planning on staying right outside the room, taking comfort in the person sleeping unknowingly on the other side of the door. Obviously he hadn't accounted on his impulsive side – for his hand to reach out to turn the doorknob. He held his breath. It was all he could do to wish that the creaking hadn't woken up the man. The sound might be soft but there was always the possibility that the man was an incredibly light sleeper.<p>

He heard shuffling on the other side.

Fate wasn't on his side today, it seemed. (Then again, was she ever?) And as if it couldn't get any worse, a soft-spoken 'Kamui?' had him reeling back from the door in shock. The suddenness of his movement caused him to trip on his feet and fall backwards to land soundly on his butt. Kamui only had time to curse the marble floor before the door opened completely and he looked up from rubbing his sore bum. Subaru stood there in his usual attire minus the trench coat – obviously not meant to be sleepwear – looking at the teenager in concern.

So Subaru hadn't been sleeping.

Now thinking about it as Kamui stared at the onmyouji, eyebrows furrowed, what he was doing seemed extremely creepy. And you'd think that as the Messiah – or whatever being the Kamui meant – he wouldn't have cared how people would judge his actions. But Kamui found that he minded it.

A lot.

Especially if the person judging was Subaru.

Kamui's face burned.

"Hey." He let out a squeaky sound.

That only seemed to deepen the man's worry if the frown was any indication.

* * *

><p>When Fuuma closed his hand around his throat, fingers digging into his skin, he wanted to scream, to break free and give him a well-deserved punch in his face and shake him out of whatever crap he was spouting and pretend that everything was just a sort of sick joke. But he didn't. Because it wasn't really Fuuma in front of him, and he would never forget the way he drove a sword – his aunt basically, he thought dazedly – into Kotori. So he never fought back, hoping. Just hoping that maybe the Fuuma he knew was hiding somewhere beneath the <em>Kamui<em>.

His instincts flared and all of a sudden, he was hyper-aware of the person approaching, the slight figure jumping across to help. Subaru. He couldn't help but let out a choked sob of relief. He wouldn't fight back, but each passing second of staring into Fuuma– No, into _Kamui_'s face was turning more and more unbearable.

When Fuuma decided to fight Subaru, it was not without a knowing smirk at Kamui. With a look so intense that it was almost violent, he whispered into his ear before heading off.

"Watch me."

.

Kamui could see. The way the man flinched and cringed whenever he met the eyes of Fuuma. The way the emerald eyes lost their concentration, the agitated way those thin hands form a mudra and the distressed way the lips chanted. Kamui watched with wide amethyst eyes, knowing that the onmyouji saw the Sakurazukamori in the seventeen-year-old boy. He kept his eyes on his, absorbing his every reaction, his heart sinking every second.

It was not until Fuuma stabbed Subaru's eye that he managed to shake himself out of whatever trance he was in, panic taking over.

* * *

><p>"Are you okay?" Subaru patted the area beside him. Kamui took the cue and sat down on the bed, nodding his head, face still flushed from embarrassment. "That's good," the man murmured.<p>

The unspoken question lingered in the air and Kamui fidgeted.

Finally, unable to take the silence any longer, Kamui blurted out, "I couldn't sleep."

"A nightmare?"

"It's… not really…" Kamui trailed off, unsure of how to explain.

Subaru nodded his head in understanding. "Do you want to talk?"

Kamui looked up into the emerald green eyes. "I just…" he started before dropping his voice into a whisper. "I needed to know you're here."

Dropping his gaze onto his hands, he fidgeted. He cursed how the onmyouji always made him painfully shy. And he knew the exact reason why. He turned pink at the thought.

"Ah," the man said simply. "Don't worry. I'll be here." At the silence, Subaru seemed to find the need to reassure the boy. "For you, if nothing else."

Kamui sucked in a sharp breath. He was taking Subaru's words the wrong way, he knew. But even so… Perhaps it was the late hour, perhaps it was because of the 'nightmare' just now, or perhaps it was because of how full his heart suddenly felt, a strange sort of courage swelled up, overwhelming him. "Really?" His voice quivered.

"Eh?"

Kamui looked up, moving closer, almost climbing onto the man and Subaru backed up a little, bewildered by the sudden close proximity. Intense amethyst eyes looked straight into green orbs, brimming with emotions. "Really?" he repeated. "For me?"

"Kamui, what are you—" Something flashed in the emerald orbs and Kamui was sure that the onmyouji understood. "Oh," the man replied, a little breathlessly.

That reaction made the sixteen-year-old feel a little encouraged and this time, he climbed over Subaru's legs and unexpectedly, the man let out a panicked yelp.

"Wait, Kamui!"

The almost hysterical voice was a few octaves higher than usual and Kamui did stop. And when he looked up, there was a faint blush on the man's face, the pair of emerald eyes for once unguarded and uncertain. "Wait," the man repeated, and it was only then that the teenager realized that the man was breathing a little harder than usual. Kamui had the startling realization that maybe despite being twenty-five years old, Subaru might not have any experience either.

"I… um…" Subaru looked away, focusing on the bedside table instead as his ears turned red. Kamui stared at the flustered onmyouji in front of him with a mixture of amazement and incredulity. The new Subaru he saw in front of him threw him off.

When the Sumeragi finally spoke, it was with a faint voice. "Do you… Do you like me?" And then the green eyes were on him.

Kamui tensed and this time, he was the one who fumbled with the words. "Y-Yeah… I do."

There was silence.

And then all of a sudden, arms were wrapped around him and he was being hugged gently.

"Thank you."

* * *

><p>Kamui met him on the streets and upon recognizing him, he immediately got into a defensive stance.<p>

Fuuma laughed and Kamui tensed. The older boy only gave a smirk before giving him a pat on his shoulders. "So the Sumeragi, huh?"

Kamui froze in shock. He hadn't told a single person yet, how would—

"I know everything about you, Kamui," he tossed that statement out, still crackling lightly before leaving.

* * *

><p>"You weren't asleep either. What were you doing?" he asked, his cheek pressed onto the soft fabric of the pillow. Somehow, they had ended up making themselves comfortable on Subaru's bed.<p>

"I couldn't sleep." Subaru stopped abruptly, realizing that his reply was the exact same one Kamui had given.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kamui asked teasingly and Subaru coughed. With a grin on his face, Kamui tilted his head to gaze at Subaru leaning against the headboard, pillow propped behind his back. Noticing his gaze, Subaru met it before suddenly looking down again. "You too, Kamui, your nightmare."

The teenager stiffened at the reminder and he clenched his fist, sitting up. "It wasn't… a nightmare," he muttered and glanced at Subaru whose eyes had regained that concerned glint in them again. That voice saying _those_ words resounded in his mind to grip his and his heart tightened painfully as he stared into that pair of brilliant emerald eyes filled with worry. He swallowed.

That feeling was back again.

Something must have changed in his own eyes because when Kamui climbed onto his lap for the second time – shakily this time – Subaru didn't show much surprise. It was only when Kamui buried his head into the crook of his neck that the onmyouji put his hands on Kamui's shoulders gently. "Kamui, what's wrong?"

The teenager didn't reply, breathing in the man's smell and Subaru shuddered. He buried his head in further, his strands of hair tickling the man's jaw, an unspoken request.

A sharp intake of breath.

Pushing Kamui away slightly by the shoulders, he searched the amethyst eyes. "Are you sure, Kamui?"

A rigid nod.

Subaru seemed torn at that. He began again, finding words to convey what he wanted. "But… but I…"

"The Sakurazukamori," He said through clenched teeth, "I know."

Subaru looked at Kamui then, eyebrows furrowed. "I don't mind," the teenager said. _I don't care._

For a moment, Subaru looked helpless and Kamui had the sudden fear that he would reject him but—

"I… Alright. If… if you want."

Amethyst eyes widened. "R-Really?"

The onmyouji nodded.

Amethyst eyes locked on emeralds before Kamui leaned in, watching the other's reaction. The Sumeragi blinked, but didn't shy away from the kiss.

It made the teenager braver and he took the initiative to deepen the kiss. The man was slowly but surely responding to his advances.

That made butterflies flutter in his stomach, quelling the squeasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

* * *

><p>"Thank you for visiting." Subaru gave a faint smile.<p>

Kamui shuffled on his feet. "How are you doing?"

Subaru leaned against the headboard of the hospital bed and Kamui found the white bandage over his right eye disconcerting. "I'm fine. I'll be discharged within a few days, or so the doctor said." Kamui's eyes dimmed and the other was quick to add, "Don't feel guilty. It was my fault."

Then, the man looked down at the rabbit plushie in his hand distantly, his eyes looking but not exactly seeing the toy. The teenager knew that look and instead asked, "Yuzuriha visited?"

The man blinked and focused on the rabbit. "Ah, yes." He looked at it fondly, a small smile on his face.

.

When he exited the room, the teenager bit his lip.

"_It'll be too late."_

* * *

><p>"Kamui… We should… we should close the door." Subaru managed as the teenager sucked on a spot on his neck. The teenager made a noise of acknowledgement. He had already unbuckled the man's belt and he was pulling the shirt out from where it was tucked.<p>

"Kamui!" he urged again. "They'll hear— Or see."

That jolted Kamui and he sat up quickly, stretching his body over to close the door and turning mortified amethyst eyes on Subaru. The onmyouji breathed heavily, his hair tousled, lips bruised and it took a moment for Kamui to realize that that was his handiwork. Embarrassment flooded his face.

A hand stretched out to pull Kamui towards him and he was enveloped in a hug again. Tilting the teenager's head up with a finger, Subaru was the one who initiated the kiss this time. The kiss was soft and sweet and Kamui tried to wrap his head around the fact that _Sumeragi Subaru was kissing him_.

Before he knew it, he was being pushed down onto the bed gently and Subaru was pressing light kisses all over his face, the hands trailing lightly over his body. Kamui let out a gasp as the fingers brushed over his nipples and the fingers stopped briefly and it was not before confirming that he didn't hurt the teenager that they resumed their exploring.

Kamui pulled Subaru's head down for another kiss, his tongue forcing his way into Subaru's mouth as the man's hands slid under his shirt to caress the skin there. His own arms went around Subaru's back, fingers running along his back. Only then did he realize how thin the man truly was.

The Sumeragi's hands slid under the band of his boxers and he let out a breathless gasp muffled by the kiss as the hand grabbed hold of him. Subaru broke off the kiss, allowing them both to gain their breath.

"Have you ever..." Kamui trailed off, gesturing wildly at their lower halves.

To his relief, Subaru seemed to get the message as he shook his head, pink dusting his cheeks. "No," he admitted. "I've never done this before... for someone else, I mean."

It was an answer that the teenager had expected. Subaru seemed like the type to give it his everything, to do it all the way if he decided to partake… on these sexual activities. Kamui's face flamed at the thought. He probably wouldn't have done a blowjob before if he hadn't had sex before. Even so, he felt giddy hearing it from Subaru's mouth, knowing he was his first.

Kamui didn't answer after that, busy trying to keep his smile from widening further, so Subaru resumed his hand, running fingers along the length.

Kamui moaned.

* * *

><p>He was staring at the ceiling when warning bells went off in his head. Someone knocked just as he turned his head to the window. There wasn't any lights turned on and Kamui had to squint his eyes to faintly make out a silhouette.<p>

His room was on the third floor but as the Kamui, he didn't find himself surprised that there was someone floating outside his window.

Yeah, floating.

Kamui paused and ran his brain through his previous thought.

And then it hit him.

Someone was freaking _floating_ outside his window.

Jumping out of his bed, he pushed open his window and somehow wasn't surprised to find that it was Monou Fuuma. Or the body belonging to him anyway. The _Kamui_ smirked at him.

"What're you doing here?" Kamui hissed.

"Now, now, don't be so hostile and let's just talk for a minute."

Kamui narrowed his eyes still. "Talk," he repeated.

"Yes. Just talking. You'll give your old friend a chance to talk, right?"

Kamui blinked at the gentle expression on Fuuma's face before shaking himself out of it, choosing to fold his arms and to stare defiantly at him. If the older boy found it amusing, he didn't say anything about it.

"I'm sure you know that the Sumeragi—" He tensed. "—is rather occupied with someone."

"What do you mean."

"Exactly what I said. Don't play dumb. You admitted to having feelings for him the other day on the streets."

"I didn't—"

"Sure, you just didn't deny it."

Kamui glared.

"Anyway, I'm saying that the Sumeragi doesn't have room for you in his head. I just thought I should remind you of that."

Balling his hands into fists, he stared back coldly at the seventeen-year-old. "So? Why would you bother?"

The older boy smirked. "It's the apocalypse, you know. Can't have you lusting over another guy and broken with rejection before we can settle our score, can I?"

"The one I have business with is Fuuma and not you," he hissed.

Something inscrutable passed in his eyes before the older boy laughed darkly. "Right, right. You know that that 'Fuuma' is gone, of course?"

Kamui didn't answer.

"In any case," Fuuma placed a hand on the window sill, leaning closer before continuing," You can't keep him. His job as a Dragon of Heaven may let him keep protecting you but he'll leave."

Amethyst eyes flashed and his hand reached the window to slam it shut. But another hand grabbed hold of the window, stopping his movements.

"Even in the off chance that he might like you back, with that person in his mind... There's no use. You'll know when the time comes. It'll be too late. You'll be too late to stop it."

Kamui seethed, his hand gathering up the strands of power, fully intending on blasting the boy away, all the way to Hokkaido and freeze to death.

The seventeen-year-old laughed again, jumping backwards and throwing one more sentence before escaping.

"He'll be gone, Kamui, you know that."

* * *

><p>"Subaru... nngh..."<p>

"Is it painful? I'm not sure if I'm doing it right."

"N-No. Just… a little uncomfortable."

Kamui was on his knees, trying to calm his breath as that finger worked its way in. The feeling was uncomfortable, weird and Kamui couldn't understand what was so great about having such a weird feeling of being intruded. It didn't really make sens—

The finger _touched_.

Kamui couldn't help the shuddering throughout his body at that sensation.

Oh.

_Oh_.

The finger stopped, retreated and Subaru asked worriedly from behind as he wrapped his free arm around the boy's waist, "Kamui?"

It took him a while to reply. To gather himself well enough from that feeling to answer. "I'm fine, Subaru." There was a slight pause before he added shakily," Could you... touch me there again?"

Another pause but Subaru complied. "Here?"

"O-Oh... God." He was seeing stars, Kamui swore. "It feels so good..."

The finger was suddenly removed and the teenager couldn't help the whine that escaped his throat. But then, he was entered again. Two fingers this time. They stretched him, before reaching out to touch that spot again. When Kamui moaned, Subaru seemed to take a cue and began kneading the spot.

"S-Suba... ru. Ah!" His arms, too weak to support him, gave in and he collapsed face front onto the bed.

The fingers stopped in their movements and Kamui answered before Subaru even asked. "I-I'm fine. Just keep g-going."

"Okay." Subaru removed the fingers but before he could complain, he felt something brushing against his entrance and he could only gulp in anticipation. Could that be—

Subaru entered.

Almost immediately, Kamui's hands fisted into the sheets, shutting his eyes as the uncomfortable feeling increased tenfold. He felt like he was being stretched to his brim. It hurt. But not too much. He could bear with it. Letting out a whimper, he turned his face so that his sweaty cheek was pressed against the rumpled sheets, breathing heavily. It took a while for him to notice that Subaru hadn't move. It was only when Kamui lifted his head questionably, eyes half-lidded, that the man began to move.

He pushed in slowly, tightening his hold on Kamui's waist as he gauged his reaction for any signs of pain.

When the onmyouji hit that spot, Kamui cried out. He could see stars so clearly behind his eyelids and the pleasure was so overwhelming that he felt that he was blanking out. He could hear the increasingly labored breathing of the man behind him, the beads of sweat dripping from Subaru's strands of hair onto his back. Subaru began to move faster and Kamui's cries increased in volume.

"Kamui..." The teenager turned his head to the side and Subaru met his lips in a messy kiss before continuing thrusting.

"Subaru!" he managed out as Subaru's thrusts got harder and faster.

He didn't really know, but somewhere in his cries, he was reaching his climax and he could only let out a gasp before he shuddered and white substance spilled all over the sheets.

Subaru let Kamui shiver in the aftermath of his ecstasy before he continued his last few thrusts, groaning as he came inside of the teenager.

They both collapsed in a heap, breathing heavily. Scooting closer to the other man, Kamui closed his eyes and enjoyed the short moment of bliss.

"_Even in the off chance that he likes you back—"_

Shut up.

* * *

><p>"An earthquake!"<p>

Kamui looked up immediately in the middle of his class. If he remembered correctly, the next period was self-study, which he usually spent with the Sumeragi... which meant that the other man was probably there, at the usual pavilion.

He shot up from his seat and ran out of the class without a thought of the teacher shouting at him.

Keiichi stopped him in the hallway, asking him calm down and that it was just a minor earthquake and nothing to worry about but Kamui only said something along the lines of 'but the pavilion might have collapsed and Subaru!'

His memories of what happened were muddled, messy. But he probably had wrenched his arm from Keiichi's grasp and made a run through the hallways.

He got scolded afterwards but he thought the small genuine smile he received from Subaru as thanks was worth it.

* * *

><p>Subaru didn't ask for the reason Kamui liked him. When Kamui mentioned this, Subaru gave him a wistful smile and said that it wasn't really possible to know why you liked a certain person.<p>

Kamui disagreed. "If you like someone, isn't it because that person _is_ whoever he or she is?"

Subaru was silent for a while before he kissed the top of Kamui's head. "That might be right. Come on, let's get cleaned up."

Kamui refused to move, instead pulling his first puppy-eyes at the age of sixteen. "Can't we do that tomorrow?"

Emerald eyes blinked before the Sumeragi smiled a smile that stole his breath away. "Of course."

* * *

><p>"Subaru!"<p>

"Subaru-san!"

The dust in front of him cleared and he stopped shouting. The two silhouettes were in the middle of the collapsing bridge.

_"His job as a Dragon of Heaven may let him keep protecting you but he'll leave."_

Shut up.

Subaru had his hand through the Sakurazukamori's chest and tears were forming in the green and white mismatched eyes. Kamui couldn't hear what was spoken between the two but he could see when the Sakurazuka lifted his head to give what was a gentle smile — what Kamui didn't expect was possible from the assassin — and leaned in to whisper into Subaru's ear.

Even from where Kamui stood, the dust and collapsing rabble assaulting his ears, he could hear the sound of Subaru's heart shattering.

_"He'll be gone, Kamui, you know that."_

This time, Kamui couldn't tell the voice to shut up.

* * *

><p><strong>Uh, yeah, I probably should have told you there were SeiSub inside too (can't blame a SeiSub trash. ). And hints of FuuKam if you guys noticed. I don't know where the latter came from, but well…<strong>

**Whatever made me think that a sad fic is suitable as a Christmas present.**

**Reviews are always appreciate**d!


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